An often perplexing question… who pays the bill. The ultimate breakdown is the leap forth and grab the check before the other person has the chance dance. Potentially including pitfalls such as directing the waiter who to leave the check with, throwing about cash, and no one getting the bill (whoops!).
Men Must Pay, Hypocritical Feminists – One of my pet peeves.
Equality is equality, not just when it is convenient!
It always bugs me when I hear a story about some woman who claims herself to be a feminist, but won’t pay her way at least some of the time. First dates seem to have a special man must pay social aura surrounding them, but if you can’t start trading off or splitting the bill after that what kind of feminist are you?
The Guide
First, a traditionalist’s guide: the man pays.
Second, a hypocritical feminist’s guide: the man pays.
Finally, a feminist’s guide: the asker pays.
If this is confusing don’t feel too bad. Even the gay / lesbian community struggles with this despite years of experience starting relationships on equal footing.
For women who make more money, they may not want to limit themselves to what their partner can afford if they split 50/50. Men may not want to pay when they’re getting dragged to Mamma Mia.
The asker pays policy won’t conflict with the traditionalist’s guide until a traditionalist get asked out, which might freak him out anyway!
Vacations!
For trips and special events the same principle applies. The person who initiates the trip or outing pays. If both are excited about it, then split.
Don’t expect your partner to pay for something they’re not excited about. This is where the spirit of fairness isn’t so fair. They don’t want to go AND they have to pay… thats just adding insult to injury!
Of course if you’re the one getting treated to a vacation it wouldn’t kill you to pay for an evening out somewhere in there, even if it wasn’t your first choice of destination.
Be Flexible!
And always remember to be flexible! You asked, but your date seems to have this burning need to split the bill. Is it really worth a fight? Especially if it is the first date!
My name is Kelly Seiler. I'm an electrical engineer working in the defense industry. I realized that there was an undercurrent of sexism present at work... no one person or attitude seemed to be the culprit. I've decided to learn more about feminism to help me better combat sexism without damaging my reputation. I consider myself an undercover feminist. I'm a feminist, but I avoid pointing things out directly.
An excellent feminist primer! At 118 pages this one is a quick read, but still jam packed with information. It will change your perspective about what feminism is really about compared to the mass media portrayal.
While not a strictly feminist read, this books has lots of good tips to consider in an office environment.
4 Comments
I’m not sure that “the asker pays” really addresses the inherent problem in the system, because most men (even progressive ones) will feel like making the initial approach is socially expected of them they will be most likely to ask in the first place, resulting in all three approaches leading to the man paying (In straight interactions).
While there is a lot of pressure on the man to ask for the first date I feel like second dates and on are socially accepted fair game. At the same time I know women who expect the guy to pay for every date regardless.
So, how do we get over the unfair expectations on the initial approach? Perhaps it is already happening. Many women are uncomfortable asking someone out directly, so they’ll arrange a group outing. They can still spend a lot of the time focused on the person they’re interested in, but if things don’t go well they have an easy out. As a consequence of it being a group thing everyone pays their own way. Men can take the same route although they sometimes have to be more clear about the costs upfront to pull it off. So as more and more “first dates” take the form of get to know you group things there is less need for anyone to make a high pressure ask and pick up the bill.
Of course I may not be the best person to ask about this because I’ve never had trouble asking guys out on first dates. While facing the possible rejection and getting over the nerves is scary it is a whole lot easier than playing the hinting at wanting to be asked out game.
I don’t think I’ve ever seen a group first date in the wild, which isn’t to say that they won’t become more common. I think that “asker pays” works well for subsequent dates, it addresses income differences as well because you don’t need to worry about putting undue financial pressure on the other person and at the same time there is an obvious and even split. I find that trying to split bills can be really bothersome – split evenly? What if one person eats more food?
I think the first date case is important though because first impressions are important. Also if one person pays then the other may feel obligated to pay them back. When I think back on the first dates I’ve had I tend to view the people who split more highly.
“in the wild” hehe
Group first dates aren’t exaclty dates as they are typically somewhat nebulous.
For me, I’ll generally split the bill. Athough if the other person is insistent I generally give in. To me splitting means splitting it up as in each person pays for aproximately what they ate.