This is a man centered post, which might seem silly on a feminist blog, but sexism hurts men too.
What is the man card anyway?
The man card is a concept I find equally entertaining and horribly depressing. Thanks popular culture! The man card is a tool used to keep men in line with some bizarro world definition of what it means to be a ‘real’ man.
Man Card Violations
- being a hairdresser, nurse, or nanny
- manscaping (think: landscaping for men)
- carrying a purse
- anything Twilight (the clear woman-ness of Twilight seems to make some people go especially bonkers)
- cooking (unless you’re trying to get laid, then it’s ok)
- blended drinks
- crying
- not fighting that jackass who [insert irritating thing]
- calligraphy
- shopping for fun
- knowing color names like chartreuse, periwinkle, auburn, taupe, sienna, or indigo
- pink
- chick flicks
- figure skating (watching or doing)
- not liking sports (baseball or football preferred)
- liking cute, cuddly animals in a OMG I just want to pet it way
- owning a cat
Wait, WHAT? - sitting down to pee
What?! Really? …and not just because the video is strange! What does this have to do with manliness, courage, honor… anything?
Then there are the downright depressing man card violations…
- talking about feelings (lust and anger ok)
Since when is not talking about feelings a good idea? Your best friend just died. Suck it up. Don’t cry. Don’t talk about it! You’re a man! - not being able to get it up
Don’t you think this guy is having enough problems already. Does he need the entire weight of society’s expectations too? I’m sure that medical condition will be vastly improved by extreme anxiety. - Not working or putting your family before work
Yikes! Women do this all the time… why can’t men? Oh, right thats what the man card is about. Not acting like a woman. The man card is only funny in a world where people are uneasy about gender roles. Thanks to feminism women can do anything (as long as they do them in a womanly way), but men can still only do “man things.”
Why Don’t Men Revolt?
Shouldn’t men be upset about not being able to do things that women can do? Ah, they might be if society hadn’t tricked them into believing that “women’s work” and feminine things are less worthwhile.
The man card robs you of your hopes and dream and replaces them with what society wants. Break out of the man card cage!!!
My name is Kelly Seiler. I'm an electrical engineer working in the defense industry. I realized that there was an undercurrent of sexism present at work... no one person or attitude seemed to be the culprit. I've decided to learn more about feminism to help me better combat sexism without damaging my reputation. I consider myself an undercover feminist. I'm a feminist, but I avoid pointing things out directly.
An excellent feminist primer! At 118 pages this one is a quick read, but still jam packed with information. It will change your perspective about what feminism is really about compared to the mass media portrayal.
While not a strictly feminist read, this books has lots of good tips to consider in an office environment.
5 Comments
Hi Kelly,
I found your site from a comment you posted at iwillteachyoutoberich, it was well put and it reminded me of my most recent ex so I clicked the link and found this post. I’ve personally been putting a lot of time into researching the topic of what makes a man. I’m 25, have all the skills listed in the pop mech article you linked to save (surviving a flood or tornado), was in the Marine Corps for 6 years (Sgt), work as a risk analyst, rock climb, shoot competitively, and “date.” I don’t consider my self an ideal man though I have many accomplishments and experiences that the vast majority of males cannot claim. Here are the definitions I’ve come up with so far:
Child -dependent upon someone else’s charity for survival.
Semi-Adult – not dependent upon charity for survival.
Adult – provides for self, plus others
Man- provides for self, plus others, can protect others.
When I am in a loving relationship I do feel more manly, and I feel that raising children will further my growth to becoming a man.
But all those activities you describe hold no interest to me, nor to other men, and why do you think? Woman can do all the manly things they want, but why would they? And do men even care and do they find it attractive? Man and woman are intrinsically different. Off the top of your head, can you tell me how the I.C.E. works? Who is number 1 in the AP poll and the BCS and why? Maybe for some reason you do know these things, but can you call 3 of your girlfriends up if you didn’t? I can call 5 guys to tell me these answers, but with human interaction it’s not who is technically correct, but who cares about knowing the answer.
I’m fascinated by institutional/academic feminism practiced by those outside of that world as part of my search for masculinity. I’ll try to check back here for your reply but if you could email me your post I’ll see it sooner. Thanks!
Men and women are different and always will be. Many people seem to confuse equality with sameness. Women’s and men’s brains are structured differently… women have more connections across the two hemispheres and men have more connections within each hemisphere. They solve problems differently. Other things though are more indicative of their environments. Children who play with blocks and other building toys develop good 3D spacial skills. This is historically considered a male’s skill. Take a look at math… girls have achieved parity on math testing while boys have gone downhill with reading testing. This is due (in my opinion) to negative stereotypes telling boys that girls are better at reading. While girls now have many sources countering the negative math stereotype boys do not have an equivalent counterbalance.
One problem that I have with certain feminists is that they consider women to be morally superior. This is a bunch of crap and a holdover from traditional days when women lacked the power to do what they wanted. I’d sensed this disconnect between the way I thought and other’s perceptions for a while, but it recently crystallized in my mind when I read this: http://www.commondreams.org/views04/0516-02.htm
What jumps out at me with your definitions is that they lack an emotional component. Children do not have any control over their emotions. At times their emotions completely take over (think tantrums). A real adult has learned to understand their emotions. When a decision needs to be made they understand the emotions they are experiencing are able to label and articulate them and as a result are not controlled by them. Many people say they are not controlled by their emotions until you look at the kind of decisions they make. If you are interested in this look up emotional intelligence (EQ).
Another component is the ability to delay gratification and exercise self control. Children want it and they WANT IT NOW.
Lack of emotional intelligence and self control prevent people from caring for themselves in an optimal way. Generally people call this stuff baggage or immaturity or being irresponsible.
Also the definitions are a bit traditional for me because I see the man / woman thing as more dependent on personality if we lived in a void. Our culture has a directive effect on people’s personalities, but often the core personality can only be shifted so far towards “normal.” Also, I think women are very capable of protecting others, but are not often motivated to do so in our culture. I’m sure you’ve heard the analogy about the mama bear protecting her cubs.
If you’re going to be traditional with the definitions, I’d add:
Woman – supports those around her
Hi Kelly,
Thanks for writing back!
I try to use effective outcomes for my definitions, contrary to so much of humanity concerned with the process to reach an outcome. Does it ‘feel’ right? Why do you think democracy isn’t used by companies or universities as a decision making process? Because while the process seems quite egalitarian and noble, the effective outcome would be disastrous to achievement.
Therefore those who cannot control themselves emotionally probably can’t effectively provide for themselves, and we have causation. Emotional intelligence to reach ‘optimal’ output isn’t necessary to the definition – drinking beer and sitting on the couch isn’t optimal to earnings potential but it’s a damn good part of life.
Your definition of women is identical to what I wrote for Adult, but I concede to your view by realizing that those who don’t meet the definition of Man, aren’t. They are something else, which what I alluded to in my set by differentiating “Adult” and “Man.”
Regarding protection, that’s a good point to differentiate Man and Woman, where there is typically little motivation by the latter to learn the ability of protection, effectively creating a discriminating trait. The bear analogy might me matched in spirit, but not in reality. A sow can repel an attack by an average male, but an average woman wouldn’t be able to defend against an average male without learning the skills to use a weapon or enlist the help of others.
We need a better definition for Woman.
I disagree. Men do cook! Even if it is on a grill :)
Touche. That is called grilling.
In all seriousness… that is the point. Men do all of these things. The manliness of a real man cannnot be determined by an arbitrary and ever shifting list of acceptable activities.
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